The Bristol Knights are Manchester Twilight League Champions, Beating Elmer’s 4-0
In a stunning pitching performance by Eddie Dickman and Earl Oakes.
The Knights gave up a combined 1 hit and 15 strike outs, leaving Elmer’s bats glued to their shoulders all night.

Let’s do an overview of what turned out to be a tremendous season.

Let’s start with Scott Dickens, our fearless leader and General Manager. Known as the “Color Coordinator”, “Captain of Communication” and “OCD Extraordinaire” . Although his emails were as frequent as a Kevin Gokey strikeout, they have proven to be essential in order for our team of degenerates to function. Case in point, Paul’s noble yet abysmal attempt to keep the team running while Scott was away. Who would have thought 5 to 10 daily emails and text messages were necessary to get nine people to show up for a baseball game. Scott also had a solid year at the plate with a .292 average and 10 RBI’s, most of them clutch. Overall, I’m sure everyone would agree, Scott is what makes this team run, even though he does not. Thanks for everything buddy.

Speaking of Dicks, Chris Dickens was an excellent addition when he was kind enough to grace us with his presence. Chris is the founder of the Bristol Knights and has been around since the first pitch was thrown. Although he is way past his prime, his wisdom and leadership were always welcome when he played. He may not have the speed he once had… or the hair, but Chris put together a solid season and was an integral part of the playoffs and championship.

Continuing with the Dick trend, let’s talk about Eddie Dickman… maybe the greatest Bristol Knight in history (just ask him). We all remember that famous text he sent out at the beginning of the season. It went something like “Hey guys, I have been playing with the Knights for so long and I love you all so much, there is no way I can go a season without you. I’m just sending this to you because I want you to know that I will be returning this season. I love you xoxoxox.” Eddie we are happy you came out of your fake retirement this year. He once again had a very solid year hitting .308 and had 11 RBI’s, which is a little down from his career .413 average. To his defense, this was merely an aberration. As Eddie will tell you, he often hit it as hard as he could, but on the ground, which would explain the low average. Considering this, if there was no second baseman this year, Eddie would have hit an easy .556. Eddie also proved his worth on the mound in the championship game, giving up only one hit and striking out everyone. Eddie, hopefully when you see my face this offseason, you won’t pass me by.

Dick = Gilbert. Gilbert had a terrific year. His penis jokes per inning were up as well as his nonsense conversations per game. If you are seeking game entertainment, Gilbert is the one player you want up there. On the field, Gilbert’s cat like speed and quickness were showcased. On many occasions this season Gilbert showed everyone why he used to be a former shortstop. Gilbert good season.

Kevin Gokey had a very interesting season. If it counted as a hit for getting hit he would have led the team in average. I wasn’t sure of the reasoning for his ball magnet phenomena so I did some research. I typed in your symptoms and it appears that you are…OLD AS HELL.

Your Body – As you age, your joints may get stiff, and your muscles may weaken. This can make it harder to turn your head to look back, swing the bat quickly, or move safely.

Your Vision – Your eyesight may change as you get older. At night, you may have trouble seeing things clearly. Glare can also be a problem—from oncoming baseballs, lights, or the sun. It might be harder to see people, things, and movements outside your direct line of sight. It may take you longer to read curveballs or even recognize fastballs. Eye diseases, such as glaucoma, cataracts, and macular degeneration, as well as some medicines may also change your vision.

Your Reactions – In order to play baseball safely, you should be able to react quickly to pitches and be aware of people on the base paths. You need to be able to make decisions and to remember what to do. Being able to make quick movements while at the plate is important so you can avoid accidents and stay safe. Changes over time might slow how fast you react. You may find that your reflexes are getting slower. Stiff joints or weak muscles can make it harder to move quickly. Your attention span may be shorter. Or, it might be harder for you to do two things at the same time.

Gokey, you were once a superstar, but like Ken Griffey Jr., Brett Favre, and Shaquille O’Neill… all good things must come to an end.

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The switch hitting rookie, Ernesto “Ernie” Meza proved to be a great addition to the squad. After a long absence from baseball, Ernie hit the ball hard over the last few games of the season. He will best be remembered by his 6-pack of tall boys and pack of camel lights. A perfect depiction of what Twilight Baseball is all about… 15 over weight aging former high school stars still attempting to live the dream. Ernie welcome to the team.

Shawn Ferguson is a defensive game changer when he decided to show. It’s a shame he spent most of the regular season umpiring Junior Legion pussies, while the Knights fumbled into the playoffs with a 9-10 record. Easily the best defensive player in the league, Fergie also had a tremendous year with the bat. I think many would agree that having Fergie for the playoffs was a huge reason why we were able to rise to the occasion.

Erik Michael was the greatest teammate in Knights history. A man of integrity such as Erik enjoys defense more than offense. He prefers a 1-0 pitchers duel over a 15-11 slugfest. He appreciates the back door curve ball and a 3-2 change-up. Erik played all positions for the Knights, gladly putting the team before himself. He was willing to play anywhere without argument and did well where ever he played. Erik was pretty much the exact opposite of Rob Erickson. Thanks man, much appreciated.

Ron Pezzullo was another new player that was trying to make the change from softball to hardball. He had a great glove and made many great plays to keep us in the games. He also is very ensuring when calling a fly ball. “I’ve got it guys, don’t worry. I’m going to catch this one!”. You’re the man Ron, hope to see you again next year.

Lucas “The Hog” Nickerson, the Destroyer had an awesome year. His best performance had to be in the playoffs against Glastonbury. He allowed only 2 earned runs. Lucas we would also like to thank you providing the team with our one consistent fan. Your girl single handedly double our attendance season totals. Always a pleasure man…

Chris Taylor started the year off horrible. I mean horrible… he was striking out more than Tony Jones at a job fair. But just when you thought he would suck forever, he raped a 1-2 hanging curveball over the ivy in left field of Bristol Eastern. After that monster homer, Taylor went on to come up with several clutch hits and play a tremendous second base for the Knights. How can we forget how excited Taylor was when he started hitting with his 31” stick. It just felt so good in his hands. Good season, just keep in mind, Scott is thinking of implementing a breathalyzer test before games. You can only pinch hit if you blow a .15 or less.

When Kyle Faust came he was unhittable. Faust is always one to argue about coming out of the game or complaining about an unearned run. He’s a competitor and that attitude is a great reason for his success. By the way, Scott can you go back to the stats and change Faust’s numbers. His era was 3.2225 and you rounded it up to 3.23 instead of rounding down to 3.22. Faust should show his wife how well he did, because for some reason I don’t think she was watching when she came to the games.

Rex  Superhuman? As one of the best players to come from Bristol Eastern in the 21st Century, Rex is a humble man. His sub 2 career Knights ERA and career .431 average is something one be happy to talk and write about, but not Rex. It’s not even about that one monster home run he hit, or his blazing 82 mph fastball that makes him the player he is, it’s the little things. Rex is selfless, taking bee stings for the team. He gets picked off at third so the Knights can celebrate their championship that much faster. He doesn’t run out ground balls because he knows a hamstring injury will not only hurt himself, but the entire team. Rex swings 3-0 because he knows a homerun is what the team needs, not a stupid walk. Is Rex superhuman? Of course not. A hero? No Way. Rex is just a regular guy blessed with an arm like a fvcking cannon!

Kyle Olovson made a statement as a first year player. Olo had a triple for his first hit and a rocket to centerfield as his first playoff hit. He played outfield, third base, short stop, second base. He did everything you want a new player to do. He even grabbed equipment, and ran for players when Scott said to. Olo is a man with great character and should be commended. Coconut Water is good too.

Justin Kilker started slow as did most of our team. His pitching was ok as he posted a 834.33 ERA or something close to that. He did not get as many people out as we thought he would, but he had by far the biggest hit of the season. Tie game in the 8th, Justin roasted a 2-run homer to beat Wiggamantic in the first game of the playoffs. I knew then and there that we were destined for greatness. Justin tore it up at the plate and was a great down the stretch. He played a solid outfield and proved to be one of our better hitters in the playoffs.

Nick Irving started playing about half way through the season. Another player that took some time off from baseball, but proved to be a contributing member to the team. His intimidation factor alone was enough to scare a team off the field. An added bonus was his ability to track down fly balls in the outfield and play a consistent second base when needed.

Earl Oakes pitched to five batters this season striking out four. As our best pitcher, it was nice to see him do some pitching this season. When Earl came he did his damage at the plate. With limited at bats, Earl mashed. From now on, Earl will be known as “Earl Strokes”.

Stay tuned for a private film… directed by Ed Dick Man. Featuring Earl Strokes and The Hog Nickerson. A Poppa Dick-in Production Presents… A Knights Tale: Stiff Competition in the land of Wet Noodles.

And last but not least…

Paul Franceshi – a man’s man, and one hell of a model American.

Paul represents America and all its glory…
Baseball – America’s Pastime
Movies – Independence Day “We will not go quietly into the night” and League of Their Own “We’re gonna WIIIN!”
Hooters – Chicken Wings and Big Ole’ Titties
Trucks – with a secret compartment for beer and games you can play while drinking beer
Push-ups – Paul warms up by doing push-ups, and cools off with beer and bets on how many diamond pushups he can do
and… Anal – Paul will gladly go on the off ramp. He has no regard for “exit only” signs and loves to get some mud on the tires.

Cheers to you Paul and GOD BLESS AMERICA!

– [Redacted]